


Farewell: An Act of Defiance

by Adri_K



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23560768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adri_K/pseuds/Adri_K
Summary: Revan and the soon-to-be Jedi Exile part ways after the Battle of Malachor V.
Kudos: 11





	Farewell: An Act of Defiance

**Author's Note:**

> Content warning for ptsd and emotional manipulation.

The mind does curious things to protect itself from pain. Illa wondered how close she was to the point where she could block out whatever it was that plagued her. Or whether she has already passed that point and her protection has simply worn off.

Only a few days passed since the battle at Malachor V. Illa spent most of this time in a kolto tank. The doctors said she was near death when she was brought to them but they didn’t know why. And once she “recovered” they refused to help. This was not done out of malice, they merely didn’t know what was wrong with the Jedi and the doctors decided that it would be best to spend resources on those they could help. Especially since the number of casualties was… staggering.

So Illa was left alone with the pain she could barely handle. There was an aching buzz in her skull that made perception difficult but at the same time whatever sensations the Jedi could experience made the pain worse. Her vision became blurry, her touch turned dull, the sounds seemed faint and distant and the Force…

…It was just that stupid headache. Illa knew she’ll feel it strongly again once she was healed. She just needed to wait, she told herself as she lay on her bed in the darkness of her room, watching the dim lights space cast on the ceiling.

The door to her quarters opened unexpectedly. Illa looked up to see Revan in the doorway. Revan… she barely looked like the bright soul Illa remembered. She became one with the role she assumed and she kept growing until she became one with the cause. Illa had to admit she was somewhat surprised that the victorious Supreme Commander would visit her in her most pitiful state and for a moment she wondered why she felt this way. They were friends after all.

‘Zhae,’ Illa stood up to greet her friend and leader but the lights coming in from the hallway nearly blinded her, ‘could you… close the door, please?’ she asked apologetically.

‘Of course,’ Revan’s voice was soft and yet there was something cold about it as she turned back to the door. ‘I thought you’d still be in the infirmary. I’m happy to see you’re… feeling better,’ the Zabrak said as she approached her, choosing her words carefully.

‘Thanks, that… that means a lot,’ Illa said, mostly out of courtesy. She was unsure if she meant any of it. ‘I wanted to go to the debriefing today,’ she tried to change the subject, ‘I just… I have this horrible headache…’

‘I understand,’ Zhae interrupted her, ‘it was probably the right idea to stay after your involvement in the last battle… after everything that’s happened there…’

‘We ended the war, that’s what happened,’ Illa stepped to the window. She felt anger rising in her and she needed a moment to calm herself. Revan was in no position to lecture her about Malachor. She was the one who came up with the battle plans. She was the one who came too late. She was the one Illa was killing thousands for while she was delayed. She wasn’t there, she could never understand, she had no right to judge her.

‘Sorry, I… I didn’t mean to upset you,’ Revan sighed and stepped closer to Illa. ‘And… there is more,’ Zhae lifted her hand slightly, as if she tried to reach out to her but she changed her mind a second later. ‘We didn’t end the war at Malachor.’

Illa could’ve sworn her heart stopped for a moment. Somehow she was both frozen and burning up from within. Revan kept talking about new information she got from Mandalore, about Sith involvement, about another impending invasion… but Illa could barely hear her. The throbbing in her head grew stronger and sharper. The buzz grew louder until it turned into an echo, and the echo grew into a choir of screams.

‘No… no, no, please,’ Illa whispered, aiming at the voices in her, at Revan, at the Force. Tears burned in her eyes and it took all her strength to hold them back.

‘Illa, just listen…’ Zhae tried to steady her.

‘No… I can’t…I… we were supposed to end the war then go home…’

‘Home? We won’t have a home if we don’t keep fighting,’ Revan argued, ‘and I’m going to need every single Jedi to win this. Including you. Especially you.’

Every fiber in Illa’s being wanted to resist. To resist Revan, to resist the war. Everything felt wrong and confusing and the Jedi couldn’t look to the Force for answers.

‘I don’t think I’m strong enough for this,’ she said at last. ‘I can’t go through another Dxun or… I can’t go through this again.’

‘Yes, Illa, you can. You are the only one who can,’ to Illa’s surprise, Zhae embraced her. ‘What you’ve done at Malachor was… incredible. I know it hurts right now, but I can help you. With the right guidance you can find power in yourself that no one knew existed. You and I will need that power. I’m going to need you. I don’t want to do this without you.’

Illa pulled away. Revan looked at her with wonder and that made her feel sick. The thought of her friend being a Sith was disorienting and chilling… but it made sense. It made perfect sense.

‘Thank you, but I have to refuse,’ Illa said. ‘I have to get away from war. For a while,’ she spoke with caution, hoping that she didn’t give away her suspicion.

Zhae’s expression turned from awe to disappointment quickly. ‘And where would you go? Back to the Jedi?’ she asked bitterly.

‘I don’t know. Maybe. If they’ll have me back.’

‘You know they won’t. You no longer have a place among them, none of us do. Your place is here with us. With me,’ Revan’s voice softened as she went on. Her demands almost sounded like pleas.

‘Perhaps, but… I need to recover. I won’t be able to that here,’ Illa replied.

‘You need to… right,’ Zhae scoffed. She turned away from Illa and started pacing around. Her hands formed fists and one of them lingered close to her lightsaber. Illa knew, if Revan truly was a Sith, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. ‘You were always so stubborn,’ Revan stopped, her hands relaxed but she didn’t turn back to her friend. ‘A few ships will return to the Core Worlds, I’m sure you’ll find one that would take you back to Coruscant. I won’t stop you. You will be back here, one way or another. This I can promise.’

Revan left without another word. Illa became aware of a gaping void in her, but a moment later that void was filled by the echoes plaguing her.


End file.
